You Need A Confidant

Ministry can be a lonely place and those with whom you can confide are few.

I’ve been a pastor for more than ten years now, and while it is certainly greatly rewarding at times, it’s also the most difficult job I’ve ever done. I worked in secular jobs for twenty six years before becoming a pastor, so I’m not speaking without experience in other areas. I’ve written, in general, about how hard it can be to pastor before but I’d like to focus on one specific area of difficulty for those in ministry: isolation.

It’s often very lonely as a pastor.  There are seemingly always people around you, but there are very few in whom you can confide. It seems too, that the longer you are in the ministry, the shorter the list of confidants gets.

Here is a part of the predicament.  Much of what a pastor deals with in his congregation is completely confidential.  People share their secrets with you because they know you will keep their secrets safe.  Those secrets range from past sins, to current struggles with integrity or morality, from financial difficulties to marital problems, and so on.  They include things that would destroy unity, break confidence and stir strife. So, much of what is said in confidence to the pastor must remain that way forever.  You are often carrying the weight of the congregation around with you, attempting with all that is in you to; help bear a brother’s or sister’s burden, restore those overtaken in a sin, arbitrate disagreements and give wise counsel.

On top of that weight, add in the pressure of those in the congregation who don’t care for the direction they feel you are taking the church.  In that group include those who constantly express their desire for a different style of worship, a shorter service, a longer service, the inclusion of someone in a ministry position, the exclusion of someone from a ministry position, those who feel that your message left out a main point, those who think you should preach a more positive message, or those who think your message was just not hard enough on sin, those who think you are being a little too judgmental of sin.  The list just begins there.  I’ve barely scratched the surface, but you get the picture.  What all of those opinions actually accomplish, is to drive you further and further from closeness with anyone in the congregation.

If you want to get a fuller picture, add this is in the mix as well. The most natural confidant for a married pastor, is his wife.  Most people with careers talk about their job in stressful times as a source relief. Women in particular, seem to feel that this is extremely important for the relationship of the couple. Yet in ministry there is much that a pastor cannot share with his spouse, for confidence’s sake. Those things that can be shared still often have the potential to cause such a weight on the spouse, such heaviness, or concern, that sometimes that source of relief becomes nonexistent too. Sharing those things can impact a marriage by bringing in too much stress, not sharing  them can affect the marriage because of secrecy. If a pastor shares with his wife, the disappointments, disillusion, or disenchantment he feels because of the congregation, it most certainly will affect her perception of the people as well. So he is often quiet, or out of necessity he shares his feelings, and the feeling of isolation spreads to his spouse as well.

The most likely confidant, and perhaps one of the best choices, is another pastor who knows exactly what he’s feeling, a peer who also needs a sounding board.  As simple as that solution for pastoral isolation sounds, it’s really just not that easy. Perhaps it’s pride, perhaps it’s a tactic of our enemy, or perhaps it’s something else but it’s very difficult to open up to another pastor and share your difficulties. Firstly, you know he has enough problems of his own and doesn’t need yours.  Secondly, it makes us feel vulnerable or it might appear as though we are failing. We might look like we are weak in leadership. Our statements might vilify the people in the ministry that we love so much.  (Yes, it's true, we love them and don't want people to think of them badly.)  We may even worry that the other pastor's ministry may not feel like this  to him, and that he may not understand.

The truth is these feelings are common, or should I say universal.  Ministry, especially to pastor a church, is a lonely assignment. Everything we do is very personal, and carries great personal weight in our psyche, yet our lives are very public. It has been likened to ‘life in a fishbowl’. Everything we do is scrutinized.  Pastor, that will destroy you, your family, and your peace, unless you learn how to deal with it.

Let me advise you to find that confidant. Share with your wife, what you feel wont damage her.  She needs to know you’re dealing well with things. Find a pastor friend you can trust and who is on a similar trajectory and open up, become vulnerable, and let him do the same thing. If you need to find a counselor who will listen and give you input, do it. But the best source of relief for the pressure and the isolation that we can feel as pastors, is time with God. It’s indispensible and there is no substitute.

Jesus felt this exact feeling of isolation in the garden of Gethsemane. His disciples were there, but even with His great distress they kept falling asleep.  I can surely imagine how disappointing that must have felt to Him. Jesus desperately needed support, but found none in his closest friends. Still He knew that in our greatest times of isolation, our Heavenly Father is near. He poured His hear out to the Father, and found the strength to go on to Calvary.

You MUST do the same. You need a confidant.  It’s great when we find a peer to come along side us, but they often seem difficult to find. However, the Father isn’t difficult to find. He’s as close to you as your next breath. Take the heaviness, the disappointments, the difficulties to Him.  Meet with Him as often as is needed. Stay with Him as long as your case requires.  He’s a good listener. He has good advice.  There is no charge. You don’t have to be intimidated when sharing the hardest things... And, He has time for you.

For a Good Time Call...

Many years ago it was common to see written on the wall in men's restrooms, "For a good time call..." Then a girl's name and phone number was listed.  

The well known song, "867-5309/Jenny" by Tommy Tutone was about this very subject.  It went to #4 on the Billboard charts in 1982. I bet you know that number, even if you are too young to remember Tommy Tutone, and probably even if you didn't listen to pop music in those years.

Certainly this practice of putting a girls number on a bathroom wall was not to tell others of an enjoyable platonic relationship that was to be found in that person. It was saying that this girl could be expected to make the guys happy in a physical way. It was most likely, an attack on her character and an insult toward a girl who had broken his heart. 

Today what you might see on a men's restroom wall would make a sailor blush. But that's not the point here, and neither is the fact that angry young men once used a saying like this to strike back at a girl who had hurt them. The point is that physical pleasure in the right setting, with the right partner, is a good time and should be celebrated. Not so publicly as on a men's room wall, but it should be celebrated none the less. Yet if not carefully guarded, sexual desire will destroy a good life.

God ordained married sex. That's all. No other type of sex is validated in scripture. As a matter of fact all other forms are strictly condemned by God. Premarital sex, extramarital sex, homosexuality, or any other form of unmarried sex, is not biblical and is unacceptable before God according to scripture. God though, chose that a man and a woman should enjoy one another in a physical way, and designed it to be pleasurable for both within the boundaries of marriage. He also designed it so that some of the most personal, tender, and intimate times of marriage happen within this context, so as to strengthen the marriage and create a life-long bond between the husband and his wife. During this marital connection the scripture comes true that the husband and wife become one.  This is certainly not just a physical analogy.  We become one is spirit, in hope, in emotion, in love and so much more. We need to also remember that scripture actually instructs us to not to "defraud one another" (1 Cor. 7:5) of this right! Look that up... Defraud actually means, to deprive of a right or privilege.  

Some scriptures are pretty explicit. Lest I say something that would cause you to think I am speaking too candidly, I'll let God's word speak for me.  (By the way, The Song of Solomon may be more explicit that even this passage.)

Proverbs 5:15-20 HCSB says, 

"Drink water from your own cistern, water flowing from your own well. 16 Should your springs flow in the streets, streams of water in the public squares? 17 They should be for you alone and not for you [to share] with strangers. 18 Let your fountain be blessed, and take pleasure in the wife of your youth. 19 A loving doe, a graceful fawn- let her breasts always satisfy you; be lost in her love forever. 20 Why, my son, would you be infatuated with a forbidden woman or embrace the breast of a stranger? "

Sex has become a multi-billion dollar business and has been perverted to to point that it's difficult to even talk about in Christian circles. Yet God's desire is that you enjoy your wife, men of God. (Daughters of God, enjoy your husband.) This subject needs to be addressed, and proper biblical thought on the matter needs to be discreetly taught in the church. 

Don't ever allow your passions to burn for anyone else whether real or fictional; on the beach, in a magazine, in a romance novel, or on a computer screen. Don't look too long at anything that tempts you.  Don't look at pornography with your eyes, or allow the thoughts of it to stay in your heart.  Don't even 'innocently' flirt with someone at the office. Don't find comfort or pleasure in the physical, or emotional, attention of another. Remember God's gift to you at home, and be captivated by the love of your own spouse. Reserve the deepest intimacy, of any type, for the two of you alone. 

Some might say "Stolen water tastes sweeter", "food eaten in secret tastes better", but Proverbs 9:16-17 teaches us that this is a lie perpetrated by a seductress. Stolen water is NOT sweeter, the grass is NOT greener in another pasture.  Pastor, Satan is looking to trip you up! As a leader in the Body of Christ, you are a big target. Don't let 'a moment of pleasure' sow seeds that will cause you to reap 'a lifetime of pain'. In other words: "For a good time call... your wife" men of God. (Daughters of God, call your husband.) Your spouse is a gift from God, to only you!

Go And Sin No More

"Go and sin no more." Whatever happened to 'this' saying of Jesus? 

When Jesus was confronted with the woman taken in the very act of adultery, after her accusers had scattered, He told her "Go and sin no more."  In our society today, it seems that no one wants to accept that anything 'they are doing' is a sin. 

It's honestly not much better in the church. If someone is overtaken in a sin, they simply cry "You can't judge me!" If their sin is addressed, they say that you have a "holier than thou" attitude, or they reply "You without sin cast the first stone!" 

We have a movement today called "Red Letter Christianity". The prevailing thought of the day, in much of Christian leadership, seems to be that if Jesus didn't address it directly I won't either. It's very similar to a political administration's former policy "don't ask don't tell."  Worse yet though, is that the general Christian population seems to feel that if Jesus didn't address it directly it's not something I have to consider in my relationship with God. "What Jesus said I'll do, but what He didn't specifically say is open for interpretation."

But what happened to the portion of that Scripture in John Chapter 8, where Jesus said "Go and sin no more"?  Why have we forgotten that part? Why have we forgotten that Jesus did address the sin?  He called it exactly what it was. Sure, He refused to condemn that woman, but not because she wasn't guilty. It was was because that according to the Law she was 'already condemned!' He didn't have to tell her adultery was wrong, the Law did that.  She knew she was a sinner! According to the Law, her 'worthy-of-death state', had delivered her to the judgment of her accusers. Jesus though gave her mercy. It wasn't because she was sinless, but because He was, and He was willing to take her sin to Calvary with Him. 

I'm certainly not against mercy, I honesty need it as much as anyone. But let's call things what they really are. Sin is still sin! Perhaps Jesus isn't recorded preaching detailed messages specifically about adultery, or sex before marriage, or homosexuality, or something else... But it's because the Law of God had already revealed what sin is.  Sin is anything that transgresses God's Law (1 John 3:4). 

It's as if there no longer a moral standard. There are seemingly no absolutes, where sin is concerned. There is no accountability if one is in error.  "My sin is my own private affair and it's not any of your business."  Well as true as it is, that our own sin is our own business it's also true that those called by God as mouthpieces, (Preachers, Teachers, Prophets, Witnesses) are required by God to preach the whole counsel of God, including sin and repentance.  

How must we preach it?  With fear, and with mercy. How must we identify sin? Is it by the morals of the day? It's it by the standards of the church? Is it by the prevailing thought of our society? No, sin is still identified by the Law of God. Any transgression of the Law of God is sin, plain and simple, albeit somewhat old fashioned.

What must we do with sin? As preachers, we must declare it, and the remedy for it... Which is relationship with God through Jesus. As transgressors, we must repent of it!  ...then go and sin no more! In neither case do we deny it. 

Jesus came to show us the mercy of God. Certainly He desires to forgive us fully, but He also demands that we stop sinning. 

Something Just Snapped...

Yesterday was a long hard day for me. It started about 6:00 am, before daylight, and ended after 9:00 pm last night, well after dark. Early in the day I was 'jumped' by someone, about something that I had absolutely no control over.  I took it well, ignored the assault, forgave them, moved on and passed the test with flying colors. 

Later in the day, I foresaw a different issue that could present itself as a problem later on that night. So I called the person in charge of that project and gave her instructions so there would not be an issue. Later that night though, things fell apart. The I instruction that I had given seemed to have been intentionally, and disrespectfully, ignored and the issue presented itself anyway. This all happened very quickly, within seconds. I was made aware of the situation as it was transpiring, and something just snapped.

I responded badly to a close friend, co-laborer, and sister in Christ. My words were harsh, immediate, and very uncharacteristic of me. I think I was right in addressing the issue, but I was certainly very wrong in my method of addressing it and I had even misunderstood the whole of what was happening. This time, I was the one 'jumping' too quickly. She took it well, ignored my assault, and forgave me graciously. 

I evidently had to face two tests yesterday.  I passed the first, in which I was obviously the victim of being wrongly accused. I handled it well, because I knew the truth.  But I miserably failed the second test, partially because I was overloaded and frustrated, perhaps partially because I hadn't addressed the victim mentality from earlier in the day, but mostly because I didn't know the truth. I wrongly assumed some things, based on the facts available to me. Just like my attacker had done earlier in the day.

I apologized quickly, (perhaps a hundred times) and it was received graciously.  My friend, and sister in The Lord, seems to still truly love and respect me as I also still love and respect the person who jumped to quickly at me, even though an apology never came from him. That doesn't matter though, because 'love covers a multitude of sins.' I forgive him anyway, just because he's human and made a mistake, and because I certainly need grace. 

I'll do my best to give grace, and forgive, even when it isn't requested or maybe not even deserved... Because you see, I really need grace myself. I appreciate the grace I received yesterday because I didn't really deserve it. Who knows, I may not have received it if I hadn't already shown myself willing to give it.  

In any case, I'm just a work in progress, human, fallible, sometimes too quick to judge, too harsh with words, or just all-around grumpy. I'm better than I once was, but not nearly what I hope to be. But that's no excuse, Christ is in me, and therefore I should be displaying Him and not that other stuff. That's why I have to say I'm sorry, just as I have to forgive someone who didn't. 

Pastor, don't feel like it's backing down to apologize. If your wrong, or even if you're right in motive but wrong in your method, say your sorry.  It's okay to make a mistake once in a while, if your willing to own it, and fix it. 

Something just snapped. Looking back, lots of things led up to it, but nothing gave me the right to act that way. What snapped was probably my pride... (Well, I didn't need that anyway.)  Nothing will humble you faster though, than making a fool out of yourself and having to ask forgiveness.  It's best to just not go down that path in the first place but if you do, ask for forgiveness. 

Let God figure It Out

Sometimes it's easy to become overly concerned about how a situation will play out.  We think, “What will God do in this situation to remain true to His word?  Because, I can't see a way out.” 

I've heard the saying, "If you can't trace Him, trust Him."  I don't know who first coined the phrase, but it's good advice.   Even if you can't see anyway God can work things out, hold tightly by faith to His word.  He sees things we aren’t able to see. He tells us that He will work things out, and that He will even work them for our good.

Here is the problem.  What we are actually thinking in these times, is not “What can God do to work things out?” but, “How can I make this situation work out?”  As Pastors, we often try to take the reins into our own hands, when God is the only one who can direct our lives and ministries successfully.  We try to figure out the best course of action in every personal difficulty, the solution to every problem in the church, or even how to fulfill a prophecy.

When we do that, all we are doing is taking a greater burden upon ourselves than we were ever meant to bear.  We don’t have to carry this burden.  God will direct us, lead us, and work out the details.  He’s promised us those things in His word.  We need to realize that God's grace is sufficient  in whatever situation we find ourselves, or our church.  We need to just step back sometimes and wait on God.  Listen closely for his direction, or revelation.  Allow Him to do what he does best, simply be God.

As the pastor of a Spirit filled, Spirit led, nondenominational congregation, I have heard several specific ‘prophetic words’ for my congregation.  I have learned not to worry too much about the prophetic words spoken over me, my family, or my church.  It isn’t something I should try to make happen.  I just need to be obedient, be faithful, and just let God work out the details. If it was actually Him speaking, He will bring it to pass.  If not, I don’t want it to happen anyway.  If His written word, which is our ultimate authority, says it will happen then there is no doubt it will happen.  It will only happen in God’s timing though, not necessarily in mine. 

Stop worrying so much, he never meant for you to do that.   Stop carrying a load you weren’t meant to bear.  Stop working so hard to do God's job for him, or to figure out His next course of action.  Take a break from the stress. Sit confidently in His presence, and let God figure it out. 

As the Pastor Goes, so Goes the Church.

As the Pastor Goes, so Goes the Church.

Isaiah 7:9 (NLT)  Israel is no stronger than its capital, Samaria. And Samaria is no stronger than its king, Pekah son of Remaliah. You do not believe me? If you want me to protect you, learn to believe what I say."

This scripture speaks to me.  In some of the more traditional translations this meaning is not quite so clear, yet when I read this in the New Living Translation it jumps off the page at me!  God is speaking here, and at this point in Israel's history Samaria was considered the capital of Israel.  The text tells us that Israel is no stronger than it's capital, and the capital is no stronger than it's king. 

Let's apply this to the church.  I believe that one can say with confidence, "A local church congregation is no stronger than it's leadership, and it's leadership is no stronger than it's pastor.    

Others have stated this truth in various ways, but the simple fact of the matter is that in general, if the pastor stays strong the church stays strong, and if the pastor is weak the church will be weak.  There are many more scriptures to back this principle up, here are just a few (Zech. 13:7, Ez. 34:5, Matt. 15:14, 1 Cor. 11:1). 

How strong is the church I lead?  Are those in the congregation Christ-like, or like the world? Are they strong or weak? 

If a pastor leads with the lack of integrity, the congregation will often develop that lack of integrity.  Sure some will leave the church and go to a place of greater integrity, but many will simply follow the pastors lead.  If a pastor uses inappropriate slang, so will his church.  If a pastor hold to the standards of righteousness, for the most part, the congregation will rise to the occasion and follow righteousness.  Again this is a general principle, there will sometimes be exceptions to the rule but for the most part we get what we teach.

As a pastor, it is my responsibility to lead well.  I am accountable to God for how I live and how I 'teach' the people to live whom I serve (Heb. 13:17).  This is a great responsibility, yet should also be considered a great honor.  With God's call to pastor we are placed under public scrutiny.  Our responsibility as pastors is to live like Christ and lead others in that same path.  If we cannot live the example, then we should remove ourselves from the office until we are able to fulfill our responsibility with integrity, to God and to His people.

Here are a few simple things that Christ did, that a pastor should always strive to imitate: 

   1) He prayed for his followers. (John 17)  He didn't just teach them to pray which is good, but the prayed for them.  They often saw him praying and no doubt knew their names were among the names on his lips in prayer.  Praying for those you lead is a powerful unifying force and in giving of your time in prayer for them is an act of love toward them and the ministry which you both share.

   2) He faithfully lead by example, in prayer time, in fasting, 'church' attendance, in grace to the poor, and even in serving.  Jesus told his disciples, "follow me."  (Luke 9:23, Matt. 10:38)  'Follow' was not simply to go down the road after him, but to imitate him faithfully.  Faithfulness is a dying virtue in American society, and in the church.  Sure everyone is faithful to something, but not necessarily the right things.  Someone has to restore true faithfulness to the church.  As a Christian, it is my responsibility to be faithful to the things of God.  As a Christian leader, it is my responsibility to be the example of faithfulness in every area that Christ was faithful in.  If I will be faithful, I will teach faithfulness. 

   3) He lived completely by faith.  Christ didn't just hope in the things of God.  He completely trusted the Father and by the life he lived it is evident.  Know it, or not, it is evident if you truly live by faith, or just talk faith.  Even in our text we see that God said, "You do not believe me? If you want me to protect you, learn to believe what I say."  If you trust God, live like it!  (Heb. 10:38)

   4) He was filled with, and led by, the Spirit. (Luke 4:1, John 1:32, John 3:34-35)  We can only accomplish the will of God if we operate in the Spirit of God.  Whatever we do in our own power may fail, but whatever we do under the anointing of the Holy Spirit will accomplish the purpose of God.  We, like Christ, must be filled with the Spirit, and be led by the Spirit.  All other activity may be wasted effort.

As a pastor I have to give account for my leadership, so I had better do my best to lead like Christ. 

How strong is the church I pastor?  Look at it's leaders.  How strong are our leaders?  Look in the mirror pastor.  If I don't like where we are as a church, I must look at me first.  If there are issues in my life I must deal with them.  If there are issues in the people I am called to serve, I must have the boldness to deal with them also.  If I don't it reflects on me...  "As the pastor goes, so goes the church."