You Need A Confidant

Ministry can be a lonely place and those with whom you can confide are few.

I’ve been a pastor for more than ten years now, and while it is certainly greatly rewarding at times, it’s also the most difficult job I’ve ever done. I worked in secular jobs for twenty six years before becoming a pastor, so I’m not speaking without experience in other areas. I’ve written, in general, about how hard it can be to pastor before but I’d like to focus on one specific area of difficulty for those in ministry: isolation.

It’s often very lonely as a pastor.  There are seemingly always people around you, but there are very few in whom you can confide. It seems too, that the longer you are in the ministry, the shorter the list of confidants gets.

Here is a part of the predicament.  Much of what a pastor deals with in his congregation is completely confidential.  People share their secrets with you because they know you will keep their secrets safe.  Those secrets range from past sins, to current struggles with integrity or morality, from financial difficulties to marital problems, and so on.  They include things that would destroy unity, break confidence and stir strife. So, much of what is said in confidence to the pastor must remain that way forever.  You are often carrying the weight of the congregation around with you, attempting with all that is in you to; help bear a brother’s or sister’s burden, restore those overtaken in a sin, arbitrate disagreements and give wise counsel.

On top of that weight, add in the pressure of those in the congregation who don’t care for the direction they feel you are taking the church.  In that group include those who constantly express their desire for a different style of worship, a shorter service, a longer service, the inclusion of someone in a ministry position, the exclusion of someone from a ministry position, those who feel that your message left out a main point, those who think you should preach a more positive message, or those who think your message was just not hard enough on sin, those who think you are being a little too judgmental of sin.  The list just begins there.  I’ve barely scratched the surface, but you get the picture.  What all of those opinions actually accomplish, is to drive you further and further from closeness with anyone in the congregation.

If you want to get a fuller picture, add this is in the mix as well. The most natural confidant for a married pastor, is his wife.  Most people with careers talk about their job in stressful times as a source relief. Women in particular, seem to feel that this is extremely important for the relationship of the couple. Yet in ministry there is much that a pastor cannot share with his spouse, for confidence’s sake. Those things that can be shared still often have the potential to cause such a weight on the spouse, such heaviness, or concern, that sometimes that source of relief becomes nonexistent too. Sharing those things can impact a marriage by bringing in too much stress, not sharing  them can affect the marriage because of secrecy. If a pastor shares with his wife, the disappointments, disillusion, or disenchantment he feels because of the congregation, it most certainly will affect her perception of the people as well. So he is often quiet, or out of necessity he shares his feelings, and the feeling of isolation spreads to his spouse as well.

The most likely confidant, and perhaps one of the best choices, is another pastor who knows exactly what he’s feeling, a peer who also needs a sounding board.  As simple as that solution for pastoral isolation sounds, it’s really just not that easy. Perhaps it’s pride, perhaps it’s a tactic of our enemy, or perhaps it’s something else but it’s very difficult to open up to another pastor and share your difficulties. Firstly, you know he has enough problems of his own and doesn’t need yours.  Secondly, it makes us feel vulnerable or it might appear as though we are failing. We might look like we are weak in leadership. Our statements might vilify the people in the ministry that we love so much.  (Yes, it's true, we love them and don't want people to think of them badly.)  We may even worry that the other pastor's ministry may not feel like this  to him, and that he may not understand.

The truth is these feelings are common, or should I say universal.  Ministry, especially to pastor a church, is a lonely assignment. Everything we do is very personal, and carries great personal weight in our psyche, yet our lives are very public. It has been likened to ‘life in a fishbowl’. Everything we do is scrutinized.  Pastor, that will destroy you, your family, and your peace, unless you learn how to deal with it.

Let me advise you to find that confidant. Share with your wife, what you feel wont damage her.  She needs to know you’re dealing well with things. Find a pastor friend you can trust and who is on a similar trajectory and open up, become vulnerable, and let him do the same thing. If you need to find a counselor who will listen and give you input, do it. But the best source of relief for the pressure and the isolation that we can feel as pastors, is time with God. It’s indispensible and there is no substitute.

Jesus felt this exact feeling of isolation in the garden of Gethsemane. His disciples were there, but even with His great distress they kept falling asleep.  I can surely imagine how disappointing that must have felt to Him. Jesus desperately needed support, but found none in his closest friends. Still He knew that in our greatest times of isolation, our Heavenly Father is near. He poured His hear out to the Father, and found the strength to go on to Calvary.

You MUST do the same. You need a confidant.  It’s great when we find a peer to come along side us, but they often seem difficult to find. However, the Father isn’t difficult to find. He’s as close to you as your next breath. Take the heaviness, the disappointments, the difficulties to Him.  Meet with Him as often as is needed. Stay with Him as long as your case requires.  He’s a good listener. He has good advice.  There is no charge. You don’t have to be intimidated when sharing the hardest things... And, He has time for you.

For a Good Time Call...

Many years ago it was common to see written on the wall in men's restrooms, "For a good time call..." Then a girl's name and phone number was listed.  

The well known song, "867-5309/Jenny" by Tommy Tutone was about this very subject.  It went to #4 on the Billboard charts in 1982. I bet you know that number, even if you are too young to remember Tommy Tutone, and probably even if you didn't listen to pop music in those years.

Certainly this practice of putting a girls number on a bathroom wall was not to tell others of an enjoyable platonic relationship that was to be found in that person. It was saying that this girl could be expected to make the guys happy in a physical way. It was most likely, an attack on her character and an insult toward a girl who had broken his heart. 

Today what you might see on a men's restroom wall would make a sailor blush. But that's not the point here, and neither is the fact that angry young men once used a saying like this to strike back at a girl who had hurt them. The point is that physical pleasure in the right setting, with the right partner, is a good time and should be celebrated. Not so publicly as on a men's room wall, but it should be celebrated none the less. Yet if not carefully guarded, sexual desire will destroy a good life.

God ordained married sex. That's all. No other type of sex is validated in scripture. As a matter of fact all other forms are strictly condemned by God. Premarital sex, extramarital sex, homosexuality, or any other form of unmarried sex, is not biblical and is unacceptable before God according to scripture. God though, chose that a man and a woman should enjoy one another in a physical way, and designed it to be pleasurable for both within the boundaries of marriage. He also designed it so that some of the most personal, tender, and intimate times of marriage happen within this context, so as to strengthen the marriage and create a life-long bond between the husband and his wife. During this marital connection the scripture comes true that the husband and wife become one.  This is certainly not just a physical analogy.  We become one is spirit, in hope, in emotion, in love and so much more. We need to also remember that scripture actually instructs us to not to "defraud one another" (1 Cor. 7:5) of this right! Look that up... Defraud actually means, to deprive of a right or privilege.  

Some scriptures are pretty explicit. Lest I say something that would cause you to think I am speaking too candidly, I'll let God's word speak for me.  (By the way, The Song of Solomon may be more explicit that even this passage.)

Proverbs 5:15-20 HCSB says, 

"Drink water from your own cistern, water flowing from your own well. 16 Should your springs flow in the streets, streams of water in the public squares? 17 They should be for you alone and not for you [to share] with strangers. 18 Let your fountain be blessed, and take pleasure in the wife of your youth. 19 A loving doe, a graceful fawn- let her breasts always satisfy you; be lost in her love forever. 20 Why, my son, would you be infatuated with a forbidden woman or embrace the breast of a stranger? "

Sex has become a multi-billion dollar business and has been perverted to to point that it's difficult to even talk about in Christian circles. Yet God's desire is that you enjoy your wife, men of God. (Daughters of God, enjoy your husband.) This subject needs to be addressed, and proper biblical thought on the matter needs to be discreetly taught in the church. 

Don't ever allow your passions to burn for anyone else whether real or fictional; on the beach, in a magazine, in a romance novel, or on a computer screen. Don't look too long at anything that tempts you.  Don't look at pornography with your eyes, or allow the thoughts of it to stay in your heart.  Don't even 'innocently' flirt with someone at the office. Don't find comfort or pleasure in the physical, or emotional, attention of another. Remember God's gift to you at home, and be captivated by the love of your own spouse. Reserve the deepest intimacy, of any type, for the two of you alone. 

Some might say "Stolen water tastes sweeter", "food eaten in secret tastes better", but Proverbs 9:16-17 teaches us that this is a lie perpetrated by a seductress. Stolen water is NOT sweeter, the grass is NOT greener in another pasture.  Pastor, Satan is looking to trip you up! As a leader in the Body of Christ, you are a big target. Don't let 'a moment of pleasure' sow seeds that will cause you to reap 'a lifetime of pain'. In other words: "For a good time call... your wife" men of God. (Daughters of God, call your husband.) Your spouse is a gift from God, to only you!